Take Time

A possibility for living

I had felt for the longest time that I had reached a finiteness about myself and life. This is me, like I know all there is to know about me and this is life and I know how that goes, this is how I’ll be, and this is how life will be. A future time when I could see life just moving slowly forward with no real joy or fulfillment. My body is aging and time is running out but rather than those thoughts providing some kind of energy or momentum to get going, it seemed for a time to create a paralysis.

It is not that I had not thought about it over the years but for a long time I was just too busy to give it much thought other than a background knowing as the birthdays ticked over. Growing a family, building a career and business, having and ending relationships, life was full, and I was filled up by it. But then there came a time when I sat still, literally and figuratively, with health challenges I had not expected and certainly did not want but there was no other option but to go along with the ride, ticket or no ticket, ready or not.

As the clock hit 60 and the rounds of specialists and hospitals became the closest things to outings, it was as if something inevitable had set in. A grayness began to pervade my life. I went where I was directed and took the medications as prescribed, showed up for the surgery, was on time for the radiation treatments and just kept going. But pain is debilitating, it seeps into your core and metaphorically eats at your spirit. Even when you show your best self for however long you can, you know that there will be a cost physically and emotionally, so you start to limit yourself, giving away what little energy that is left to the closest to you and there was not much left to go beyond myself.

By 65 and 2020, my internal world was drab, and the external world of lock downs and fear were the new normal. But in some odd way, the respite from external expectations provided a time for reflection and healing in an unexpected way. The long winter of 2020 had brought a reclusiveness and rare outings, but at the same time without the demand of travel, there was time to talk to the people I loved around the world. As I reached out and talked, I discovered myself again. My spirit was depleted but my heart was not. The heart, the organ where this journey had started 5 years ago, kicked up a gear and all the people I loved and cared about, I noticed still felt the same about me. We were in this together and we would make it out together.

As the summer months approached and after advice from my dear doctor, I started to spend twenty to thirty minutes in the sunshine. Hoping nobody would look over the fence, even though they never had before, my semi naked body revelled in the sun’s warmth. I felt as if I was a child at the beach, having fun in the sun and as if the cells of my body were being refilled. My mood lifted and the grayness disappeared. My energy was returning and even though I thought I knew who I was and how life would be, I was not expecting the simple transformation that the sun would bring. As it warmed my body, it was also warming my heart and my soul. The vitamins that were missing in my body were having an impact, but it was so subtle that I had not even been aware.

So, what is the point of my long story? Take time for the seasons of life and of nature, take time for love and take the time for discovery. Discover what lifts your spirits and contributes to you and others, no matter what journey life’s train takes you on, ticket or no ticket, ready or not.