Trying again and again is okay

A possibility for living

This week has not gone quite to plan, in fact it has seemed hard and I know that seems a bit dramatic as hard does not exist except in my vocabulary. There are hard surfaces but no actual ‘hard’ but knowing that does not make my experience any easier. It has all just felt hard. I didn’t hit my targets, and my experience of life wasn’t quite as fun and new experiences had moments of lightness but generally the theme of this week, was that it was hard.

But that happens doesn’t it? Its not all going to go well except or unless you are ruthless with your word and I had been up till this week (that is inside of 8 weeks, I’m not talking about life here), but this week was a roller-coaster up and down, exciting and flat, going in the direction I can see and then taking a sudden swerve in another direction and no way to get off this car. It is running and it seems to its own rhythm. All is not lost; some ground has been taken but it is curious how in life we want it to be either or. Its either going great, getting things done or not that, nothing going quite as I hoped for or going how I planned and then its all down the tube.

I promised myself I was going to lose another 500gms and I was going to go under the number that I seem to be stuck at. I was going to watch the calories, up the movement and did I do that? No is the short answer, in fact the scales seem to be going in the other direction. Movement is about the same as the previous weeks, but food became the monster. I was hungry and I wanted more food than in the weeks before. What happened? Did my brain rebel, the thought that I might feed myself a little less send it into overdrive and panic? Oh no, we are getting less this week and all those little minions in my brain went NOOOO, lets make her hungry, lets stop this now, lets get her all the things she likes, lets get going, did you hear her say she was going to eat less, panic stations, man the decks, don’t let her do it! And that is how this week felt, as if in some way I was going against my own will, and then it became a kind of spiral. I should not have said that. I was doing well, slowly making progress but as soon as I said this was the week to really focus in on, it went haywire, and of course for me, my usual response is, I am not doing that again and then I don’t. I stop the action and I give up.

But what I am learning is that it is okay, it did not go the way I wanted, and I didn’t get the results I wanted but then that not the sole purpose of it all, to get what I want. Else I would be a four-year-old stamping my foot and demanding and bawling for what I did not get. So, if that is not the answer, what is? Maybe there is no answer. Life is full of yeses and no’s, it is full of what could have been, what might have been but its also full of wonder, full of joy and full of discovery and whilst it didn’t go my way this week, that is not to say the dial is stuck there.

James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, talks about points of friction, if you imagine a u bend in a pipe and the water goes in the top and trickles out the other end. Human being response is to put more pressure on, increase the volume or intensity, to push more water through the top to increase the flow coming out. But in his analogy, he suggests that we straighten the pipe, and remove the point of friction, because he says, that point of friction is what has us give up. One point of friction for me is training in the cold weather, I’ve never done before that so I am getting warmer gear, going out in all weather, so that I am accustomed to it by the time winter comes.

I’m wondering what is that point for me? Was it that I increased the amount of movement that I’ve been building up each week? Did I eat more empty calories? Was it that my evening routine of getting to bed early was disrupted by a late-night meeting that required me to drive an hour home, well past my usual bedtime and throwing the rhythm and momentum out? I am not sure and it okay not to know because each day is the opportunity to try again. To be fortunate to have another go and another go. I might repeat some things, but I might also learn something new, like reducing the points of friction but it seems like most of all, to relax and know I will work it out.

At least I can try, and each day is one more time to try, and I know a little wise man said, ‘do not try just do’ but sometimes trying and testing works because in the action you discover you are doing it. Now just to muster up those little guys and get them working with me. ‘Hey in there, the job is not done and we’re going at it again today, it’s all on, we’re going again and this week we win, you got that? The game is still on. Is there anybody there?